The wrong sex

I'm not very good at being a girl. I mentioned before that the DDs are bridesmaids for their godfather's daughter and I needed 'an outfit'. Just the words sent a shudder up my spine and not in a good way. Firstly, I hate shopping. Secondly, I only like spending money on books and stationery. Thirdly, I don't do heels. Fourthly, I live in jeans. But I adore the gorgeous girl (and boy) who are getting married so an expedition was required.

I'd left it until quite close to the date to allow me to drop the four dress sizes I vowed eighteen months ago. With a month til the wedding and no movement on the scales, I realised it was safe to shop. I planned it with military precision, setting out early and farming the kids out after school, declaring I'd not be home until I found something. I liked the first thing I tried - a knee length fifties style creation with giant poppies - then spent the rest of the day trying to find a coral fascinator that didn't cost more than the dress. A compromise was reached and I let myself off the hook. Then the trouble started. I began panicking about the whole fake tan V tights thing etc. My legs are not my best assets (ahem, they were covered up, unusually) and on the rare occasion I wear a dress, it's ankle length. Plus I had the Princess Di-lemma - in sunlight it became transparent. I even bought a slip, for god's sake. (I muttered as I paid.) But it still wasn't right.

After fretting for weeks, I gritted my teeth and ventured out again this morning. I returned, bewildered, with 8 carrier bags containing the following:

2 dresses (maxi)
5 shrugs (assorted colours)
3 pairs of wedged heels
2 fascinators
3 handbags
1 Garfield t-shirt

And like a sartorial pick and mix, one of each (except Garfield) made an outfit that sort of worked: a navy floral-print maxi dress, with all turquoise 'stuff'. The other items and the original dress will be returned hastily before they hit my bank account. Then I just have to decide on nail colour and jewellery. Oh, and break my shoes in. I have no idea how other women do this stuff every day - seriously, the bride's outfit wasn't this stressful and everyone will be looking at her.

I definitely should have been a boy.