Friday, 17 February 2012

An eruption in Sainsbury's

I made a show of myself in Sainsbury's today. Wandering 'Household Linen' I'd just refused DD2's chirpy request for canary yellow bath towels. Unperturbed, she'd skipped off to join her sister inspecting the rows of Easter booty.

I moved on to 'Candles, Vases and Ceramic Instructions'; you know: 'BAKE', 'LOVE' etc. I briefly pondered that, lovely as they are (I have 'LOVE' in my own house), they are missing a trick. I for one would buy 'CUPPA', 'VACUUM', or 'TIDY' to place strategically around our home as subliminal instructions to the DDs. Musing further possibilities, I turned the corner and stopped dead. I was faced with a 5ft pale pink stand bursting with floral cards. I gasped: Surely, it's too soon? I quickly moved to a more 'private' aisle - not much doing in the crockery aisle today I can report - where I attempted to blend into the display as I mopped my face and tried to keep the mascara vaguely north of my chin.

My darling girls found me five minutes later, concern and shock on their faces. I couldn't speak, only point. DD1 went to investigate, came back and despite the embarrassment she must have felt hugged her weeping mum, while DD2 hugged us both.

Hours later I still feel unsettled, winded. I hoped writing this might make some sense of it, but it hasn't really. It's always there, grief. Sometimes it's closer to the surface so it leaks slowly, other times it's buried deeper and you find you are getting on with life, laughing even, until it erupts when you are least prepared.

Fortunately, my comfort is simple: My beautiful daughters. Because though for the first time in my life I won't have anyone to send a card to, what makes it all bearable is that they still do.


  1. *runs & gives Paula big hugs* xxxx who says you can't still buy her a card if you won't to honey! I can so remember how hard the first one hits you x x x I buy my Mum daffodils on Mother's Day & put them on the mantlepiece. If you want to buy her a card then do it my love but I know what you are saying. You haven't got your Mum anymore. I'm so so sorry for the pain you are feeling but know that the grief does ease over time. Be kind to yourself love. What gorgeous caring girls you've got. I bet your Mum is proud of them and you and smiling down on you both.

    With much love to you my virtual friend x x x x

    Jo x x x

  2. Hi Jo, I really like your idea of getting mum some flowers for mother's day and her birthday - I remember you saying that you did that for yours. It's daft as I was expecting it to be difficult on the day, but wasn't prepared for the build up, and so early! I know the first year of milestones will be toughest.

    Thanks so much for you lovely words. It really helps.


  3. My heart goes out to you, I wish you warm and uplifting thoughts and fond and happy memories for a mum who will always be a part of you and forever in your heart xx

    1. I really appreciate your lovely words of support. Thank you xxxx