Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Light days and dark days.

It's been a strange couple of weeks since I last blogged and I feel unusually reflective.

My darling daughter celebrated her 13th birthday last weekend. I have to confess to feeling a double sense of pride: firstly at the smart, hilarious, loving, feisty beauty she has become, and secondly that I managed to get her to this age alive. We had a rocky start - my own mum said I was the most difficult baby she'd ever known (cheers, mum!) and that DD1 was even worse. She cried day and night for a year. Looking back, I think it was frustration. She has always been more capable than her years and I think she was a toddler trapped in a baby's body. But we made it and she's amazing. She makes me feel ancient when she tells me to stop bopping to music in shops "Oh, my god, what are you doing,  mum?", yet she keeps me young by making sure I'm up to date with all the jargon when I ask, "So, sweetie, what exactly does 'it's reem, innit' mean?"
Last week I felt like a complete grown up when I realised that, after three fun years, I'd outgrown Facebook. Whilst once it had been a constant daily companion keeping me in touch with friends and providing entertainment on lonely evenings, I now found status updates annoying when they consisted of insensitive boasting from those still with cash to flash, endless links to music that I dislike or have never heard of and the most irritating of all: 'Dave is checking in at Tesco' announcements. I realised this kind of humourless brain clutter is like empty calories: lacking nourishment and sophistication but hard to resist. The final straw came when I received a link from one of my usually intelligent friends asking a quiz question: "Do you keep your ketchup in the fridge? Y/N?"  It had to go.

I've been struggling to find the motivation to write too, not least of all as my mum is very ill. We thought she'd beaten this evil disease but it's returned. My best friend's beautiful sister, just a year older than me, is also struggling with the same disease. As a freelancer, I don't have the luxury to wait for the motivation to return so I sit in front of the keyboard and write crap, delete and repeat. At least I'm trying, I justify.

This all boils down to mortality: some are at the beginning of their journey, others are battling for it not to end prematurely. I'm sitting in between both camps right now, giving help when it's needed and trying to make sense of it all without being able to change outcomes. For someone who is a natural born 'fixer', it's a difficult place to live.


  1. I think your words will resonate with lots of us.
    Sometimes we feel frivolous and FB is fun - but when lifes a bit serious it can seem a complete load of ********. I guess its there not to be taken too seriously ?

  2. I know exactly what you mean on so many different levels x x x

    It sounds like the middle ground is that place of 'the not knowing'. With that we loose any sense of control we feel we have and that's a frightening place to be. All we can do is sit with our feelings, not fight them, not punish ourselves but know that we can sit through the times, learn, grow and get through it.

    I don't think you need to say the words you are trying to justify what you are doing. You are bloody doing justifying required! Bloody good for you!

    As you know I too hate facebook. It's ok when it's light and passes the time of day is a happy brain numbing potter & giggle but at other times it is a complete waste of fricking space! Connected to people that have no other place in our future and should be in our past for a reason. We don't need to know the ins and outs of old friends daily lives! It's not healthy.....that's how I feel about it anyway. I much prefer to live my life with the people who are in my life now and the people I wish were in my life on twitter :) x

    What always struck me on facebook is that a lot of people type without thought, click publish and then it can't be taken back. I often feel people need to think before they type as well as think before they speak.

    I hope the people in your life who are suffering difficult illness beat the bastard!

    Much love & hugs to you Paula :) x

    Jo x x x

  3. Sarah: yes, you could be right about FB but I do think it's changed since it's peak. Less fun status updates, more of the other stuff.

    Jo: Thanks, hun, for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment, especially given the shit week you've had. I hope you're starting to come to terms with poor Otis's passing.

    We just have to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day and accept that we sometimes have no control. It's hard. I divert my control issues into being able to park outside my house lol! That's definitely a lost cause if ever there was....

    A thought on FB v Twitter: maybe we tire of hearing the same stuff we all spout to the same friends on fb, yet on Twitter it always seems fresh as the exposure is greater? I'm all for a bit of frivolity but sometimes it is just plain stoopid.

    Paula xx

  4. You've got a point there I hadn't thought of that. Also it leads to me to think that FB just seemed so fake. As if everyone was putting on a face, pretending how wonderful their lives were, silly stoopid crap whereas good old twitter seems so much more real and normal. People sharing a variety of thoughts.....more balanced somehow.

    Anyway that's just what's going on in my head. I'm fucked to be honest. Coming on the computer takes my mind away from the fact that my doggie companion is no longer here to spend every minute of the day with. My home feels very empty. Anyway, I've managed to waste away the hours until school run. The girls will fill my mind up now :)

    Sorry to fill up your blog with my ramblings!!! Lol :)

    Jo x x x

  5. I don't mind, you ramble on, love! And I agree, Twitter is less personal, more random, more varied, more amusing. And yes, no point being fake on Twitter cos we're none the wiser anyway, whereas on fb we usually know when people are lying! :-)

  6. Haha that's brilliant and a bloody good point!

    What I haven't actually told you is that I'm a size 8 super model / pop star / actress who is George Clooney's secret lover :D *cough cough splutter splutter*

    There's also no commitments to anyone which means no expectations, eradicates jealousy, bitchiness, upsets etc......well that may say more about me! I like my own space sometimes!!! Lol

    Jo x x x

  7. Now I know you're lying because George is sitting right here on my sofa with his slippers on, drinking Horlicks. I know how to treat a bloke...